Sunday, June 26, 2011

He Had No Choice

I could not move. Every muscle in my body would not work. I was scared--scared of death taking away my life, my family. My eyes were teary but I forced myself to be strong. Will my next move be effective? I asked myself. My eyes were looking around. The room was a mess -- vases, picture frames were broken, blood on the floor and on the wall.

You must be wondering why there's blood.

My brother was shot by a man. A man whom I thought was loving, caring, strong and all the characteristics I thought he was. But I was wrong, he was greedy and selfish. The only thing on his mind was money, money, money. Without hesitance, the man shot my brother in the head. Upon hearing the shot, I immediately ran towards the living room where I found two men. The other one was holding a gun, while the other was on the floor--bloody. "Bryan!" I shouted. My legs became weak and tears fell from my eyes. I can't believe that I witnessed this scenery on the exact day I was born. I was kneeling in front of my brother's body--with his eyes wide open, staring blankly at the ceiling fan. I could see the blood stains on his shoulders and his blood on my knees. My brother was dead. Dead, I tell you. I can see some parts of his brain--they were coming out.

I was furious. I wanted to kill the man but I could not. He was holding a gun while I only had myself. My mother along with my two year old sister ran towards the place where we were. The man pointed his weapon towards them. The devil inside me grew. I wanted to stop him. I stand up and slowly, paced in front of my dear mother. One step, two steps, three steps. "Do not even lay a finger on them," I said furiously. The man didn't answer. He stepped forward, pointing his weapon an inch away from my right eye. Fear crept inside me and I was even more scared. I can't stop myself, tears were falling from my eyes. I was biting my lips just to prevent myself from crying but I can't. I just can't. Satan was already inside him.

He immediately grabbed my neck and he forced me to open my mouth. "You'll be happy with Jesus, Hana," the man said. He opened my mouth and pointed the gun inside of it. Blood was everywhere. The man was crying. He killed his daughter on her birthday; he killed his only son. It was the only way for his two year old child and the only woman he ever loved not to be killed by other men. He had no choice.

My father had no choice.

Who's the Person Inside the Coffin?


The cold, dark midnight came and there I was, laying my head on the softest pillow I had. I did not move nor turn to find a cool place of the bed—I was sleeping soundly. I was dreaming—dreaming of me, walking on a lazy afternoon across the fresh, green grass, tickling my feet with its wetness. There I realized that I was heading to a cemetery. My vision was starting to be blurry and dim. All I saw was, I was attending a burial mass. There were only few people and the coffin was at the center. Instead of hearing loud cries and screams of regrets and sadness, there was silence. But the silence was different. It was filled with melancholia and agony.

I did not know who were the people around me and the person inside the coffin. Maybe I just didn’t recoginze them, for my vision was unclear. A tear fell from my right eye and more tears came. I did not cry for the reason that death took someone from the mortal world but for the reason that my heart felt the sadness of the scenery that I was seeing.

I woke up, catching my breath. As if I were running a distance of a hundred miles.
Few weeks came and I was sleeping again. Unfortunately, I woke up hearing my mother crying. She was holding my hand while kneeling  and I felt the warmth of her tears on my hands. She told me the very last thing I want to hear.
My Auntie died because of Breast cancer, stage 4. She was keeping it to herself and endured the pain that she was suffering. She did not dare to tell anyone about her illness because she did not want to bother any of us. She was my favorite Tita and I, too was her favorite.
And my dream came true.

"They were... laughing?"


The scenario was like this…

I was sitting in front of the computer and some of my friends and relatives were beside me. They were talking. I didn’t bother hearing the words they were saying because I was focused to only one thing inside my head: ’my mom was dead.’ I wiped my tears silently with the back of one hand. “Just don’t be obvious,” my cousin said; she was also crying. I don’t really know what she meant but I faked a laugh at her and wiped my tears again. Suddenly, Ynna sat beside me. ”Let’s tell them the truth!” Ynna exclaimed, while searching a comfortable spot of the chair then reached out for my hand. I have no idea of what she was saying but I was telling her not to do it.

Then, my vision was blurry and the scenario changed…

I took a bathe in the bathroom. Then suddenly, I felt that there was nothing occupying in our house but silence. I know, there’s something going on. Some of my relatives and friends are in my house, so why is it too silent? I asked myself. I grabbed a towel, covered it around my body and went outside. The house was really dark and, creepy. “Oyyyyyyy!” I shouted. It was so loud that our divider vibrated. I checked the rooms, hoping that someone was behind the doors. This is a prank, I thought. I walked in the center of our mini hallway and I checked the room on the very end of the mini hallway. As what I have expected, my relatives and friends were behind the door. I shouted with anger and they were… laughing?

Then I woke up, crying. I stand up and prayed — I prayed to God that He may not allow that day to come too early. I went to the mirror, combed my hair and wiped my tears. I went out of my room and saw Gerlyn watching cartoons. My father saw me and hugged me unconditionally. I could smell the scent of the soap he used. I rushed in to the library and turned on the computer. I was still crying while typing this crap. I don’t want that day to come. I mean, I know it would come but I don’t want it to be early. I want it to be like, I’m around 40 or 50 or something. Err, I don’t know.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Usapang Utot

Dahil wala akong magawa, ito nalang ang pag-iisipan ko. Lahat tayo umuutot. Imposible naman kung hindi kasi ibig sabihin no'n abnormal ka. May nabasa ako sa Internet na an average person daw produces about half a liter of fart gas a day. Ang echos 'no? Sa mga observations ko, kahit ang utot ay may iba't ibang klase. Depende na rin siguro sa sitwasyon mo at kung ano ang kinain mo.
Mga klase ng utot:
  • Volume - Ito yung utot na mahina sa simula at unti-unting nagiging malakas. Nahihiya pa kasi ang utot na 'to na lumabas. Sa observations ko, hindi naman masyadong mabaho ang ganitong utot. Mejo mabaho lang siya pero hindi naman grabe. Nalilito pa siya sa timing ng may-ari niya. Lalabas na ba ako o hindi pa? Pag-chur uy!
  • Pop-pop-pop - Parang popcorn lang na pumuputok. Minsan, nagpo-pause muna siya, then "pruuut!" Biglaan lang. Minsan, walang amoy 'tong utot na 'to. Minsan din, may amoy. Pero kung may amoy naman, sobra-sobra naman ang baho. Tae, ano ba naman 'yan.
  • Jackpot - Ito 'yung utot na jackpot. Jackpot dahil inubos na lahat. Walang tinira, inubos na talaga. Minsan, you'll feel relieved pagkatapos mong pakawalan ito. At dahil jackpot, ibig sabihin malakas 'to -- malakas na parang bomba at grabe din ang amoy. Phew.
  • Inevitable - Pilit mong pinipigilan, pero ayaw niyang magpapigil. Bigla nalang siyang lumabas ng walang paalam. Kung se-swertihin, walang tao ang makaka-notice na umutot ka. Pero kung mamalasin, sigurado akong tatawanan ka nila. Gumawa ka nalang ng palusot o di kaya manalangin ka na may tatanggol sa'yo.
  • Biglaan nalang - Hindi siya nagpasabi. Biglaan nalang siyang lumabas na wala man lang signal o di kaya hindi siya nagpaalam sa'yo. Nakaka-inis ang utot na 'to. Minsan kasi napapahamak ka e. Buti nalang, ang mga ganitong utot ay hindi masyadong malakas. Minsan, gumagawa ng ingay pero hindi naman gaano kaingay kung ikukumpara mo kay Jackpot. Pasalamat ka nalang..
  • Pigilan mo ako! - Ito 'yung utot na hindi ka sigurado. Feeling mo kasi may kasamang tae. Ipapalabas ko ba o hindi? Baka may tae e... Pa'no naman kung wala? Minsan, hindi mo na nare-realize na kausap mo na ang sarili mo. (Ayy, baka ang utot ang kausap niya?) Ano ba utot?! Magdesisyon ka!
  • Buy one, take one - Ito na. Ito na talaga ang pinakahihintay nating lahat. Ito 'yung utot na buy one, take one. Ibig sabihin, may kasamang tae ang utot na 'to. Utot lang ang hiningi mo e, binigyan ka pa ng tae. Sa'n ka pa? May libre ka pa oh. Wala ka nang hahanapin na iba. Heto na siya, the best siya e!
Ito lang ang na-isip ko e. Ito lang talaga ang lumabas sa utak ko. Base sa experiences ko, (Hahahahahahahaha! Ge, tawa pa) ito ang nabibilang sa 'usapang utot' ko. Sigurado akong madami pang klase ng utot diyan, sigurado akong may mas mabaho pa, may mas malakas pa. Pero ito lang ang alam ko.
Ikaw? Anong kwentong utot mo?
Pinahiya, napahiya.

Isa akong napakawalang kwentang tao. Nagawa ko ang isang napaka-walang kwentang bagay. Hindi ko rin maintdihan kung bakit ko 'yon nagawa at kung pa'no ko ginawa sa mismong tao pa na bumuhay sa'kin. Miserable ako ngayon, hindi ko na alam kung bakit nagagawa ko pang ngumiti. At hindi ko din alam kung bakit ngumingiti pa siya. Wala akong kwenta, wala talaga akong kwenta. Sabi nila matalino daw ako, pero mali sila. Isa akong bobong, walang kwentang tao. Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko e. Habang umiiyak kaming dalawa, hindi niya magawang tignan ako sa mga mata. Nahiya ako sa sarili ko. Ang sama-sama ko palang tao.

Umiyak ako, kahit tapos na ang aming pinag-usapan, umiyak pa rin ako. I bumped my head on the wall. Hindi ko na mabilang kung ilang beses ko 'yon ginawa. Masakit, pero mas masakit 'tong nararamdaman ko. May napakaliit na boses na nagsasabing, "Magpakamatay ka na. Wala kang kwenta." May punto siya, pero may pumipigil sa'kin. Hindi ko alam kung ano 'to or what pero sinasabi niya sa'kin na wag daw. Malakas siya sa'kin dahil nagawa kong sundin ang suggestion niya.

Magpapakamatay ba ako? O hindi nalang?